I was admittedly having a zoned-out, not so focused moment, at work the other day. You know, those moments when your eyes are wide open, but you see nothing? Those moments when you begin a trance at a certain time, move out of it to notice that 24 minutes have gone by, but it appears none of your surroundings around you have changed at all. Why do I want to use the word ‘write-off’ at times such as these? I’m a ‘write-off’, a ‘write-off’, a ‘write-off’, just write me off.
Anyways, excuse me. That day, after my trance, I had to recover, so snuck in a couple bites of my tuna sandwich in between work gestures and poses. While masticating and producing sound bites that would not shame a metronome, I almost seduced myself into taking another meditative trip if it weren’t for a ‘suit and tie’ suddenly appearing in my peripheral.
At its appearance, I immediately lost all timing in my chewing and just swallowed. Hard and fast, so that I wouldn’t be caught doing customer service with my mouth full. I momentarily also turned around to wipe the evidentary remnants of my previous pleasure off my lips with the underside of my shirt, allowing the crumbs to settle nicely into the crevices of my now humid body, away and safe from view.
The ‘suit and tie’ guy continued to browse while I made up for lost time by working more during that half hour than I had the previous two. As a person struggling with procrastination, I want to know WHY! During that half hour, the ‘suite and tie’ guy did not once interact with me, or request any help, and seemed to enjoy his private time. I did not have to do anything for him directly in any way. Yet I worked, and was productive, and wanted desperately for him to see me as a working professional.
WHY! WHAT! I ask myself now, would I have had such an allergic reaction if a ‘hoodie’ or ‘sweatshirt’ had appeared in my peripheral vision? Perhaps not. My guess is that I would have continued my unaltered, metronome pace, oblivious to anything outside my procrastinations. So, does this mean I need some more stress in my life to make me act? Do I need business clothing to watch my every move? Or maybe just to have business clothing in the vicinity? Do I need some fear of being observed by a bigger brother?
That night I experimented by quickly changing into a suit and tie and observing the effects it had on other people, with particular attention towards my father. All it did was elicit a laugh from him and a terse question, “What are you doing?”
Okay, probably the wrong context. The next few days, I’m going to dress it up, even at home, and see if there is some natural biofeedback that stirs me into a frenzy working mode.
Am I desperate woman?