Sorry, long time no sleep. No, that’s not what I meant. I meant, long time no posting in this sleep category. That’s what I mean. Which, considering, can be a good thing, right? If I’m not analyzing, reflecting, probing for sleep material, does that mean I’m not thinking about it, and just, plain old Jane, sleeping? Wow. Damn. Well, whatever bliss I had, just being in the moment, is lost, cause here I am again, thinking about it.
Thinking about time, clocks, and alarms. If you happen to get up in the middle of the night, or early morning, do you take a peek at your bedside clock to alleviate the anxiety in not knowing what the time is? I know that when I was young, I always looked and felt such a giddy joy, relief, and satisfaction when seeing I still had more time left to sleep and then instantaneously my dreams picked up from where I last left off.
Today? I’m not so sure. To look or not to look, which is better for sleep satisfaction? These days, more often than not, I find it more effective to not let those time digits even get within vicinity of my peripheral. Why? Because I want to trust. If I just let go of time, and have a trusting mindset that the alarm will do its work, then should I not be more at ease and increase the chances I’ll settle back nicely into sleep? In addition, these days contrary to my youth, I dread and fear looking at the clock to see that I have a lot more time remaining to sleep. My reaction is usually: “Oh my God, I only slept 5 hours so far and I’m awake already! That means I’m only guaranteed 5 hours of sleep, and these next 2 hours…who knows what’s going to happen? What if I waste 2 hours trying to get to sleep?”
Because I don’t want these thoughts intruding when seeing the time, I try to avoid time all together. It does result in some fancy footworkand nimble agility to go to the washroom in the middle of the night with my neck strained at an angle to avoid the clock while the rest of my body tries to avoid tripping over things in the dark.
Obviously, choosing to not look at the clock is not unequivocally effective. Sometimes the effort it takes to avoid is quite strenuous and makes me too alert. However, at other times, it is quite humorous, and laughing allows sleep to come. Then there are times when after putting off looking at the time, my mind is constantly curious about what time it actually is. Should I try to sleep? Is it worth it? What if there’s only 15 minutes left until the alarm goes off? So just when I fall asleep, and start dreaming, I get rudely aborted? But, often, in this latest scenario, I look at the clock to see that I have 2.5 hours remaining. Damn!!!! I shouldn’t have looked at the clock. Now that other kind of thinking will kick in.
You know what? Do you think I would have been better off not writing this post? Or maybe pull the plug on all the clocks and rely on nature. Sunset, sunrise. Just go by feel? This may work if can get to sleep early, at more or less exactly at the same time every night. Do I attempt this but have a clock as a backup for the first month to see how accurate I am in predicting time by light? Keep a journal collecting data of bodily predicted time vs actual time? And if I’m close enough, totally pull the plug and live the rest of my life only using natural time?
Boss, sorry I’m late for work today. For some reason the sun didn’t come up this morning.