Category Archives: Procrastinator Diaries (Dawn)

A few procrastinators will be keeping ongoing diary entries written in their own words as they reflect and interpret their procrastination experiences.

The Inconclusive Dissection: Mind Half-Full or Half-Empty?

If we go on the premise that procrastinators think too much, then perhaps it’s reasonable to assume that my mind is really full. Well, better than empty, I guess? I guess! And, yes, I guess it could be a possible explanation as to why nothing tangible and concrete is coming out of my head. That’s because everything is so crammed inside, I guess!

Yes, my ideas are packed to the point of having no room to breathe or move, so they just stay within my mind and discuss among themselves. That is where all my stories are, I promise! And when they spend so long there, telling and retelling many variations over, they are already exhausted and left wanting in energy to escape. Furthermore, it feels as though the story has been told, we know the twists and turns, and feel as though the world should look inside to find out what we’ve done, instead of us always having to come out and show what we do. Understand? Understand!

I understand that I am probably deluding myself, but these thoughts are still true. If I think hard enough, I can save myself the step of publication. Save paper? But how do I convince people to take the plunge, to take that leap of faith, and just look inside my mind? To trust me? Trust me!

These were my thoughts during a dinner date in a restaurant with candles. Sitting across from me was an articulate, more good-looking that I deserve, attractive doctor, with experience. I sensed that that my luck may be changing and that it won’t be long before my mind starts opening up.

After a few sips of wine, and samplings of appetizer, I started getting a tingly sensation emanating from the inner portion of both stockingless legs underneath the table. I guess I just had a feeling when choosing what not to wear for the night. Just as he was proposing a toast to ‘I don’t know what’, I clanged his glass while debating within myself whether or not my partner is a surgeon or not. Admittedly, my relationship with him has not gotten deep enough yet for me to acquire this knowledge.

But, oh my, what if he were a surgeon? A surgeon! My imagination went wild in considering the possibilities. And I downed my glass of wine with sumptuous enthusiasm and determination. Would he have the tools and the requisite skills to dissect me? I couldn’t giggle outwardly at such a delicious thought so, instead, I crossed my legs so my skirt wouldn’t be as much of an intrusive censor, and I flexed and extended my ankle continuously, as if to communicate that my heart was jumping up and down with joy? Unequivocal joy!

If there was any way that he could do a professional dissection of me, but preferably with a particular emphasis on the artistic, then finally, at long last, he could really, literally, open up my mind and the world can see the unadulterated stories I have completed!  They’ll know I haven’t been lying all this time. They’ll trust me that I’ve been hard at work!

I suddenly felt incredibly sexy at that moment, more sexy that I’ve felt in my entire life. I didn’t know how much was left of my legs under the table at that point. With all the gyrations going on, I wouldn’t be surprised if I had exercised away all the skin and left them see-through. Oh, poor doctor, I could see it in his eyes, and his focus on his steak, that he had no clue what was going on under there!

I watched intently how he cut up the steak, savoring enough time to allow the juices to bubble over, so he could observe the satisfaction before making it disappear within his mouth, thereby intensifying the the senses at least twofold. That’s a good sign. Maybe he is a surgeon? A surgeon! The thought of him opening me up with such care and focus, like he did that steak, made me lose a button somewhere in my skirt.

I was so ready, I was so much in the mood for desire and intimacy. So, I quickly apologized to him for having to leave early and cut short our dinner together. I declined his offer for a ride, left him alone to finish the rest of his steak (as a surgeon should definitely not leave an operation half completed), and ran all the way home in such a mad rush that there was barely a trace of clothing on me when I arrived.

I have to work harder now. Think harder, deeper, even more intensely than ever before. Patience, my thoughts, patience, as I will bring more characters into an already tight space. But, patience, because now I know that you will soon all get to see the light of day. We must think together on this and get as much inside as possible before the surgeon arrives? Promise me that when that time comes for me to have an operation, you kids will not be hiding somewhere inside. All this work and to have him open me up to find nothing? Nothing!

-Dawn

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The Effects of ’24’ on Procrastination

“The following takes place between 10 and 11 AM.”

Hi, I’m Dawn, and I went dark recently. Sorry for taking the expression from the popular series “24.” But, it’s relevant because it’s a major reason for my disappearance lately. At least that’s my story, and I’m going to stick with it and carry it out as far as it can go.

By the way, can’t help but notice how quiet it has been here lately. With the blog name being ‘Procrastination Post’, are we spending more time in the ‘procrastination’ phase rather than the ‘post’ phase? I’m as guilty as anyone. While Sheri mentioned in her post about a lightning bolt, I don’t have as good a reason for my invisibility. But I will say that I took some time away in an honest, though perhaps unproductive, effort to deal with my procrastination. How? I watched DVDs!

I know, I know, television watching perhaps does more to aggravate and exacerbate procrastination than anything else, but it wasn’t any old plain kill time thing I was watching. I was watching 24! And I was watching Jack Bauer – perhaps the one person who is as far away as procrastination as you could get. That’s right! I’ve been away these days, busy watching 24 to try to instill a sense of urgency in my life via watching other characters operating under intense circumstances where every minute is life and death.

Can there be anyone tougher than Jack Bauer? Not only does he survive repeated torture, and various extreme methods of interrogation, he has to immediately recover with no down time, put it aside, and focus on the moment for the very next crucial task. There is little time to mourn failure, unsuccessful missions, deaths, because something of higher priority awaits. And in situations where everything seems important, he needs to prioritize and constantly sacrifice things that will cause pain.

I just finished watching a scene where Jack Bauer had to make one of those impossible decisions to choose between killing his friend (a member of his own team) or letting his friend fulfill personal revenge against a terrorist who is needed alive by the US government. Jack Bauer killed his friend. Would a procrastinator be able to choose in such a scenario? Would a procrastinator be able to act in a scenario 1000 times less intense?

Am I just plain silly and stupid to be even referencing a work of fiction, a character who is not real, to spur motivation? Will 24 make me write more, write better, write consistently? Will it help me write more urgently to save or change lives? Or am I exhausted just watching the show, feeling as if by watching I also participated in urgent action and overcame procrastination? Then the empty feeling comes after when realizing all I did was watch, and acted upon nothing. Do most of us sit and contemplate on the backs of a few whose actions determine the course of a country? I don’t think I have done anything for my country except think about it.

Then again, if we tried to live our normal lives like 24, would we die of stress or have other health complications? But maybe it’s worth it to feel so alive, so significant, and immersed in activities of impact? Or can I request to have 1 hour out of every 24 to be that intense? I guess what I’m looking for is some guarantee on time, some extreme risks with a safety net, but once I place a contingency on the moment, then I may as well be procrastinating again.

I’ll have to disappear again, and try to engage in 24 a little bit more effectively. I’ll let you know how it turns out. Actually, if successful, I won’t have to let anyone know…as significant change will be evident in itself without digging for minute details.

-Dawn

 

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Can Clothing Make You Act Urgently?

I was admittedly having a zoned-out, not so focused moment, at work the other day. You know, those moments when your eyes are wide open, but you see nothing? Those moments when you begin a trance at a certain time, move out of it to notice that 24 minutes have gone by, but it appears none of your surroundings around you have changed at all. Why do I want to use the word ‘write-off’ at times such as these? I’m a ‘write-off’, a ‘write-off’, a ‘write-off’, just write me off.

Anyways, excuse me. That day, after my trance, I had to recover, so snuck in a couple bites of my tuna sandwich in between work gestures and poses. While masticating and producing sound bites that would not shame a metronome, I almost seduced myself into taking another meditative trip if it weren’t for a ‘suit and tie’ suddenly appearing in my peripheral.

At its appearance, I immediately lost all timing in my chewing and just swallowed. Hard and fast, so that I wouldn’t be caught doing customer service with my mouth full. I momentarily also turned around to wipe the evidentary remnants of my previous pleasure off my lips with the underside of my shirt, allowing the crumbs to settle nicely into the crevices of my now humid body, away and safe from view.

The ‘suit and tie’ guy continued to browse while I made up for lost time by working more during that half hour than I had the previous two. As a person struggling with procrastination, I want to know WHY! During that half hour, the ‘suite and tie’ guy did not once interact with me, or request any help, and seemed to enjoy his private time. I did not have to do anything for him directly in any way. Yet I worked, and was productive, and wanted desperately for him to see me as a working professional.

WHY! WHAT! I ask myself now, would I have had such an allergic reaction if a ‘hoodie’ or ‘sweatshirt’ had appeared in my peripheral vision? Perhaps not. My guess is that I would have continued my unaltered, metronome pace, oblivious to anything outside my procrastinations. So, does this mean I need some more stress in my life to make me act? Do I need business clothing to watch my every move? Or maybe just to have business clothing in the vicinity? Do I need some fear of being observed by a bigger brother?

That night I experimented by quickly changing into a suit and tie and observing the effects it had on other people, with particular attention towards my father. All it did was elicit a laugh from him and a terse question, “What are you doing?”
Okay, probably the wrong context. The next few days, I’m going to dress it up, even at home, and see if there is some natural biofeedback that stirs me into a frenzy working mode.

Am I desperate woman?

-Dawn

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The Empowerment in Being Listless?

Will lists help procrastinators? There are widgets in igoogle, mac widgets, or just plane yellow sticky notes or day planners may do as well. Do they help?

For me, sheepishly, I find myself cheating the system and almost making it counterproductive. There may be a task that can be done within a minute or two, but I put off doing it until I can go to my computer and enter it into the fancy widget. Then I may or may not do it, because I see a whole bunch of other tasks on the list that may need tending to.

Sometimes, even very simple and quick tasks, I purposely put on the list so I can feel a satisfaction of crossing it out. Quite honestly, there is no real satisfaction, especially when I realize it takes me so much effort, planning, to do what most do without thinking. I’m almost tempted to put the word ‘breathe’ on my list, and then cross it out. Repeatedly. What happens when one day I forget to look it up? And don’t cross it out? Will I die? Will I forget to breathe?

Ridiculous! Maybe this is a warning for me to not take lists so seriously. As I’m writing this, I’m currently hugging my knee towards myself and having a good laugh. If I can bottle up this feeling, maybe can learn to relax and let go in the future, and allow somebody else to hug me like this.

-Dawn

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Never Really Starting…

Exciting! Butterflies! Anxious! Motivated! A whole range of emotions are going through my mind right now as I make my first entry into this diary. There is a significant amount of fear since this project may actually force me to confront issues and areas that I want to avoid, but hopefully it will also make me accountable.

There is no hiding the fact that I have a procrastination problem. But I guess the purpose is that by keeping a consistent record of my process, I can learn from it, others can learn from it, and I can reflect and put into action some kind of change. Will I be very much different by the end of this? Well, let’s try to get there first.

Already, in this brief initial entry, many may have already noticed a problem. I keep on introducing and introducing, setting up, and preparing, and never getting to any core of the matter. In fact, I think this is true with many of my writing, and maybe why I never seem to follow through to any satisfactory completion.

I admit, I do a lot of preamble because I fear getting to the meat. Maybe I have no substance? Will people see my nakedness if I write to the point, revealing that I hold nothing of importance?

By the time I talk around everything, I feel like I’ve exhausted the topic and brainwashed myself into thinking that the quantity of words actually equate to a worthwhile effort.

Sobering. My whole life has been nothing more than a prelude of introductions! Useless piece of….

-Dawn

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